Many guardsmen, however, were unaware the imminent threat posed would come in the form of unkempt flower beds and tree debris, their weapons akin to those wielded by an Anglo-Saxon fyrd under Alfred the Great.

But such is the reality for many of the 2,300 or so troops deployed to stem the “magnitude of the violent crime” in the nation’s capital, where threats of high-priced coffee, spandex-clad cyclists and more salmon pants than a Ralph Lauren factory loom around every pothole-riddled corner.

Beckoning deployed troops to these war-torn environs are custodial and landscaping duties, which have been colorfully labeled as “beautification” […]

Few training methods, after all, guarantee a better fighting force than boredom-induced annoyance.

To date, beautifying has reportedly commandeered so much time that junior enlisted have even given up observing the time-honored custom of throwing rocks at other rocks, a ritual medically proven to enhance one’s morale.