Meaning has left the building

We live forward, but understand backward.

— Harald Høffding

A week ago there was seven of us sleeping in this small one bedroom apartment. Four-by-four and two-by-two they went, tonight it’s just me. Serena, Jake, Dena, and Maddie are back in Toronto. Kyle and Avvai are in Medicine Hat, Alberta1.

The contrast is so vivid2. It’s funny, in a tragic kind of way, witnessing myself feel lonely, because it’s been a while. I caught myself turning all the lights on in the apartment so it doesn’t feel so vacant. Twice this evening I’ve wandered over to the freezer for an ice cream sandwich — two slices of sugar of one colour bracketing a thick mass of sugar of another colour. All guilt, no pleasure.

Listen to me, so dramatic. But I’m okay. It’s a kind of indulgence, this taste of loneliness. So far it tastes of sugar, and too much peace and quiet.

Had drawing class today — my first without Avvai — it was so so. Ania could tell I was off, “we need your energy back!” she said. Next week. Tomorrow morning I’ll head down to the water for the Sunday cold plunge, but who will shiver beside me and bear witness to my dramatic performance and cursing of the cold?

This could be the last bit of writing for a while. I say could be because when I originally decided I’d write every day for some length of time I settled on 4-weeks, 28-days. That would be today. But about two weeks in I decided I’d go to 30, and then this week I floated the idea of going til Christmas or the New Year, and Kyle pushed for the latter, so… maybe.

It was during the second trip to the freezer that I decided to write only this today. A bit of not much after a day of not much, so that I can get an early night. Hopefully when I wake up I’m not still a lil’ baby ;)

Kyle, Avvai, I know you’ll be reading this when you wake up, so please believe that I’m fine. It’s good to wobble, it helps me to appreciate things more fully.

Having and not having arise together.

— Lao Tzu, The Tao Te Ching

  1. K&A are in Alberta because Henry, Kyle’s grandfather, died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I met Henry twice and each time I left hoping I’ll be even half as funny and fiery when I’m his age. At any age.↩︎

  2. It doesn’t help that it’s been a tough week with family back home. Six hours of phone calls yesterday. Days of that.↩︎